Common Relationship Traps in a Marriage      Part 2

Dustin Holden, LMFT

www. MovingWatersCounseling.com

            In all relationships, there are common traps that we can fall into. Luckily, there are some easy things we can do to avoid them or to get out of them when we fall in.

4. Allowing differences to become problems- When two different people form a relationship, there will always be differences between them. There is no getting away from this, and these are often the very things that attract two people to each other. The trap here is this- when we don’t accept these differences for what they are, we can start hoping that the other person will change them even when it’s their beliefs, values or personality that is different. When we start expecting the other person to change who they are, we’re asking the impossible, and we’re inviting problems.

   How to avoid the trap- Begin by identifying these differences, and letting them exist as they are. These differences often exist in emotionally charged areas such as money, family, how time is spent, responsibilities, or what it means to be married. Ask your spouse what this area means on a personal level-why is it important? Be curious and caring as you learn more about them. Once you really know what you are working with, then you can begin the process of learning to live with this difference. Talk about what each person’s needs and worries are. Learn to identify when this difference might trip you up and create trouble, and learn to make the changes you need. Over time, work toward understanding, tolerance and respect for each other’s differences.

5. Not being part of the relationship- When things get tough in a relationship, we sometimes get mad, hurt or sad, and want some distance from the other person. This is a good idea sometimes, since when we get that emotional it’s nearly impossible to have a rational conversation. But if this is what we do all the time, or we never come back to figure things out, we are basically removing ourselves from the relationship.

   How to avoid the trap- It is a bit weird to think about this, but the best tool you have for changing your relationship is your relationship. That’s right, it’s your relationship that will fix your relationship. Ok, here’s what I mean. When things get hard, find a way to make it clear to each other that you are in this together. This doesn’t mean you can’t be upset, or need to leave for a while, but make it perfectly clear that you are doing it because you want the relationship to get better. Most of the time, the difference here is small, and comes from how we talk to the other person. Here it is real simple. By staying in the relationship even when things are hard, you make the relationship easier to stay in.

6. Actively avoiding challenges or fighting about them- We all end up in disagreements sometimes, but when the patterns turn into regular fights or we regularly avoid the challenges, we fall into one of the most common traps. These two patterns can both feed themselves and continue on without our choice. We turn our spouse into our enemy in this adversarial cycle and into a stranger in this withdrawn cycle. These are default responses when we aren’t able to keep ourselves within the other, more desired cycle.

  How to avoid the trap- The other option in interactions is to work toward a collaborative pattern where we turn toward each other to solve the problem. We reach out, we empathize, we work to understand and respect each other, and make it clear that WE need to figure this out. When we do this, we turn each other into our ally, and we've begun creating a level of understanding and appreciation that will enable us to actually solve our problems.