Meeting Your Child’s Twelve Essential Needs

-from Fathering Right from the Start

 by Jack Heinowitz.

 

Need              How to meet it

 

For Connection            Express acceptance, appreciation, and love directly

(a sense of                    and openly.

Belonging)                    

~Spend one-on-one time  each day with your child.

~Hug, cuddle, and lie down together.

~Talk to each other about day-to-day events and dreams.

~Great your child warmly each day.

~Continually remind your child of the special place he holds   in your family history.

~Take family photos (with you included).

                                    ~Massage your child.

 

For Support                 Show interest in your child’s interests.

                                    ~Build and feather the nest

                                    ~Work together on your child’s pet projects

                                    ~Encourage patience, hard work, and self-reliance.

                                    ~Emphasize effort over results.

                                    ~Accentuate personal satisfaction over approval from others.

                                    ~Describe what makes your child so special to you.

                                    ~Share personal anecdotes that parallel your child’s experiences so that he will not feel unusual or alone.

For Protection              Shield your child from needless physical, emotional or spiritual injury.

                                    ~Set limits based on safety and logical consequences. 

                                    ~Welcome your child's requests for help

                                    ~Tell your child what you are experiencing; otherwise, he may be prompted to internalize your moods, make assumptions, or become a mind reader.

                                    ~Never threaten your child with rejection or abandonment. Differentiate between disapproving of his behavior and disapproving of his inner self.

 

For Freedom to            ~Engage curiosity,

Explore                        reasonable risk taking, and attempts at self-mastery.

                                    ~Invite imaginative thinking.

                                    ~Respect your child’s opinions, choices feelings, likes, and dislikes.

                                    ~Create opportunities for discovery, fun, and laughter together.

                                    ~Allow your child the full spectrum of feelings.

                                    ~Welcome your child’s displays of affection.

 

For Acceptance            Give your child frequent undivided attention and loving eye contact.

                                    ~Mirror your newborn’s facial expression, sounds, and movements.

                                    ~Actively listen to your child.

                                    ~Identify with your child’s feelings by drawing upon your own.

                                    ~Show appreciation for your child every day.

                                    ~Spend time together doing what your child wants to do. 

                                    ~Scratch each other's backs, wrestle, read, watch a special show, go to the movies or just "hang out" together.

                                    ~Include your child in your favorite activities.

                                    ~Take your child to work with you.

 

For Consistency            Be someone your child can count on no matter what

                                     ~Provide reasonable consequences for misbehavior, and follow through on them.

                                     ~Model reliability.

                                     ~Say what you mean and mean what you say.

                                     ~Walk the walk; don’t just talk it.

 

For Flexibility                Be receptive to new ideas and differences of opinion.

                                     ~Avoid getting locked in on being correct.

                                     ~Don’t keep score.

                                     ~Check out your assumptions.

                                     ~Give your child choices whenever possible.

                                     ~Model open-mindedness and an appreciation for differences.

 For Self-Awareness      Foster introspection.

                                     ~Understand where you’re coming from.

                                     ~Take time getting to know yourself.

                                     ~Tend to your unfinished business.

                                     ~Take responsibility for meeting your needs, rather than expecting others to and blaming them when they don’t.

                                     ~Nurture yourself, and deepen your enjoyment of life.

                                     ~Share your spiritual beliefs with your child, and encourage him to discover his own seeds of faith.

                                     ~Inquire about your child's expectations and feelings.

For Self-Expression      Allow for the full range of emotional expression as long as it causes no injury to people or property.

                                     ~Demonstrate your love openly, in words and deeds.

                                     ~Be real-show your enthusiasm and discouragement.

                                     ~Emphasize creativity over success, process over

                                     accomplishment.

                                     ~Hold family meetings to clear feelings.

                                     ~Resolve disagreements before bedtime.

For Fair Treatment         Give you child the benefit of the doubt.

                                     ~Be considerate; avoid judging.

                                     ~Include your child in rule making, decision making, and

                                     planning

                                     ~Set limits, enforce appropriate consequences, and be willing to discuss them.

                                     ~Own up to your own mistakes.            

                                     ~Apologize for hurting other’s feelings, even when you think

                                      you are right.

                                     ~Introduce your child to caring adults in the community.

                                     ~Don't take your child's criticism and rejection personally: see them as signs of his struggle toward independence.

                                     ~Teach Cooperation

                                     ~Welcome your child’s friends into your home and your

                                      heart.

                                     ~Volunteer in the community.

                                     ~Attempt to improve relations with your ex, if only for your

                                     child’s sake

                                     ~Encourage group dating.

For Empowerment          Model firmness and assertiveness, vulnerability, and

                                      resourcefulness.

                                    ~Focus on what’s right, not what’s wrong.

                                    ~Don’t over anticipate your child’s requests.

                                    ~Offer reassurance that your child’s feelings and behaviors

                                    are “normal”.

                                    ~Listen, accept, and guide, rather than preach, judge, or

                                    criticize.

                                    ~Encourage self-reliance.